January was hell, I was hopelessly in love with a boy I’d met on twitter, met on New Year’s morning in real life, and had somehow managed to get into my head as “the one”. I’m female so it does have a habit of doing that. I then had my first one night stand, with someone who wasn’t the boy I’ve just mentioned. Very out of character for me, and frankly, I should have seen the signs then.

February was spent mostly in Cape Town with my parents while I was on leave, something I will again be doing this year, and I can’t wait because now I will not just be visiting, I will be house-hunting with my boyfriend as we plan to move down to Cape Town end of June.

March was uneventful. I don’t actually remember much about March… I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. March was the month that I decided to move to Hong Kong, which sparked the events of April.

April. Well, April. That was a doozy. April was spent in a psychiatric hospital. I went in on the 10^th, which I think was a Tuesday. That Sunday I had been out to Zeplins with a friend, hooked up with boy number one from January, thrown a drunken hissy fit that he wouldn’t sleep with me, and woke up completely catatonic the next morning, Easter Monday. Don’t misunderstand, it wasn’t the fact that he wouldn’t sleep with me that made me realize I was in a fit of depression, I was just sent off, it was the straw which broke the camel’s back, as it were.  That Tuesday, I told my doctor to have me committed, and I was booked in on Thursday.  My Mom arrived from Cape Town the Friday morning, and I spent the next 3 weeks in hospital, and came out on the 1^st of May. April was also when I met my current boyfriend, who I am very happy with, he completes me, and we’ve been together about 8 months now.

May was when I moved. I left the branch I was in, and away from the toxic work-environment, and moved out of the house I was in, and into another one. This seemed to work like a charm, and I have been doing amazingly well ever since.

June, July and August were uneventful. What stands out in my mind was driving to my home town to see my best friend get married in July. I was the only one of our school friends invited, I speeched, I cried and I got to share the moment with Rickus.

September I turned 25. This was a bit of a scare for me, I didn’t really like the idea. I can vaguely remember my birthday party, though I have a stronger memory of lying on the bathroom floor crying in a fit of drunken depression than anything else.

October, November were rather uneventful. Nothing stands out at all.

December I moved in with my boyfriend, and we began to plan our life in Cape Town, together. It’s all a bit daunting, as I do truly love my life in Pretoria, but it’s time to move on. I’ve never been one to stay still for too long and frankly, 3 years seems a bit longer than I’d ever planned. Cape Town was always the plan, I’m just about a year or two too late.

That was my 2012. I didn’t hate it that much. I was blessed with very little drama sans a trip to the loony bin, I paid off my debts, I made a bit of headway with my life, and I met the man who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, if he’ll have me, and universe willing.

I don’t hold much hope for 2013. I don’t believe in all that “new year” nonsense, as I’ve said, so I’d much rather just tell you that I’m going to make of every day what I can, and what I want, and may whatever you believe in help you if you try get in my way.

Over and out peeps J

“Every time you destroy an animal, a rhino, an elephant, you destroy a part of Africa, a part of me, his future, our future” Spoon in Snare.

I’ve always been sceptical of nature movies, of documentaries, because frankly, they’re always very one-sided, and biased. However, after watching Snare, a fictional movie, based on the state of the rhino conservation, and illegal trade and poaching of rhino horns in South Africa, I might say that the makers of this movie were rather innocent of the crime of skewing the viewers’ perspectives.  When I come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure there are too many perspectives to have with regards to the poaching in South Africa. For once, it seems rather black and white: rhinos are dying, someone out there is growing rich of the death of our animals, and frankly, there is a war that we are losing. Admittedly, the blame in the movie was placed rather heavily on the Chinese, but that has also been proven to be very true.

One thing I appreciated about the movie is that no holds were barred. Blood was shed, graphic images of slaughtered rhinos were shown, and nothing was left to the imagination. However, that is the way it is. This is Africa, we get dirty, we are brutal and you either live, or you die. Having grown up in the Lowveld, in what is Kruger’s backyard, having worked and lived in Kruger, the rhinos have always been something close to my heart – actually, all conservation has been something very close to my heart. I’ve lived in the bush, I’ve breathed the air, I’ve shared walkways with the elephants and even my dining room with hyenas.  I am African, and I am South African (please, do spare me the race schpiel, I’m not the slightest bit interested).

Something has to be done! Be it our President maybe not spending millions of our Rands on a house, or an entertainment fund, or useless corporate bailouts, or even his lawyers’ bills!

I urge every one of you to take a stand against poaching! Donate, become an Honorary Ranger at your nearest SANParks Park, if you have a Gap year available, join the anti-poaching unit, but do something! There is a saying in Afrikaans: “Van praat en staan kom min gedaan”, which (for those of you who don’t speak the language translates to “If you’re all talk, no action, you’re getting nothing done”, and it’s true. We can’t sit idly by while our animals (and not just rhinos) are murdered in cold blood, while our heritage is taken away from us for a profit, and while we lose out on some of our most precious natural resources. I do not ever want to have to show my children photos of my days in Kruger and when they ask me to take them there, have to tell them they can’t see it, because my generation twiddled our thumbs while our animals died!

Tonight, I ask you as someone who walked out of a cinema with a broken heart: let us all do something! Donate R10, R100, R1000, whatever, but donate, or do something, anything. If 1 in 10 people do something, I would wager that that is 1 in 10 people more than what we had before. Give up 2 beers at a club, and there’s R50 to donate right there. Please, this can’t go anymore.   Someone needs to stand up and fight back, why shouldn’t it be you?

Where do I even begin?

I think it’s safe to say that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody, and I’m reasonably sure I love you more than I will ever love anybody else. It’s also safe to say that I can’t imagine spending another day without you in my life, and without your love, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you my angel!

You met me at a time in my life that I believed it was impossible for anyone to care about me, let alone fall in love with me. I still don’t know how you managed to see through the depression (and then the mania) but I’m glad you did. I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am that you had the courage to message me, and tell me how you feel. (I think we have Andre to thank for the fact that we’re together, if I remember correctly, he talked you up and told me to give you a chance! Hey, some guys need their bros to get out the friendzone).

(Just by the way, I’ve already started crying)

I do still facepalm myself once in a while when I think that I put you in the friendzone for Jaco, but then I also think that I had to see the bad, before I could see the good. (The crying is getting worse). That being said, my love, I’m so lucky to have you – I’m so lucky to be able to say that you stuck it out, you persevered, and you won. There are some people who don’t like or approve of the fact that we’re together, but well … they can go fuck themselves. You know who I’m referring to, and you know how I feel about that. I can’t begin to even describe how much I don’t care what they think – all that’s important is you.

You’ve changed my life so much in just two months my love, you’ve created this total 180 in my life, that I can’t even begin to comprehend how you’ve done it. I’ve gone from someone filled with so much angst, anger, sadness and just generally pretty messed up, to someone filled with love, and laughter and joy and hope – all in 2 months.

I can’t believe I’ve finally found a man who genuinely loves and appreciates me. Never before have I experienced love from someone with such a big heart – I do think that, much like your stomach, your heart is bottomless and your love knows no ends, same as your hugs. Never before have I had someone in my life whose sole happiness comes from cuddling me, and just being given the chance to love me. I suspect that I didn’t give Kobus the chance to love me, or he just wasn’t interested, but you find ways of breaking down my walls and love me so unconditionally, and wholly.

My sweet, I love your ambition, and your drive. I love that you aren’t content with just earning a salary, and doing a job. That heart of gold has too much say in the matter, and you want to help people, you want to make their lives easier and better (you do know you’re doing that already?)

You have the most amazing heart, it’s kind, soft, loving, a bottomless pit of compassion and love. I’ve never met someone in my entire life with the capacity to love that you possess. Your ability to put every ounce of the love you possess into the simplest words astounds me. You find ways to make me feel loved that I didn’t even know existed.

I know it’s crazy, we’ve only been together a short while, but I honestly can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you!

I love you with all my heart my angel, more than you can ever comprehend!

Towards the end of March, I had still not submitted my visa papers and I was starting to feel like something was wrong. I was majorly depressed, suicidal and generally a wreck. On the 9th, I decided that I couldn’t go on like this. I made an appointment with my doctor, and basically the conversation came down to having myself committed or my doctor would have to phone my folks and tell them to start planning my funeral. I was at the point where I was googling how to mix household chemicals to kill myself or I was planning on throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle. it wasn’t a fun time to exist. On the 10th, I spoke to my doctor and on the 11th I was admitted to Denmar Psychiatric Hospital. I can also say that it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I was in Denmar for 3 weeks where I was diagnosed Bipolar II and was put on medication. I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD. Those kind of go hand in hand with the Bipolar. I fought the diagnosis for a while, and even with the help of my fellow patients and friends who are Bipolar, I refused to accept it. I was severely manic during that period, and had a fling with a patient (totally against the rules). After telling my psychologist about this, and basically going into radio silence (causing my mom to phone my shrink), I cracked. This was a turning point for me, a moment when I realised that being Bipolar isn’t the end of the world, nor is it a defining part of who I am. I came to the conclusion that being bipolar is like having toes: I have toes, they’re part of me, but I’m not my toes nor am I defined by them, and I’m still me. Being bipolar is just a condition, and a manageable one at that. That was when I started to heal. I’ve made peace with my condition, and that was also when I realised that moving to Hong Kong would be a very bad idea. The major factor was being in a country that doesn’t have a high standard of psychiatric care (they’d suggest going to a temple) and also a totally foreign country where I would have NO support structure. This made me decide that in the end, Hong Kong right now isn’t a good idea.

It’s not all doom & gloom though. My life has changed so much and for the better: I met an amazing man, I’m starting to take control of my life, and I moved. I think another reason I went nuts was that my time in Irene Mall Flight Centre had to come to an end. I am now in our Brooklyn Mall branch, living in Menlo Park, and I’m loving every second of it. I also have an amazing boyfriend. We’ve only been together a month but @ricky_d_lubbewho I love dearly, and endlessly, is my rock – he is so supportive, loving and caring. It’s a very strange feeling to trust someone so completely, and love them so deeply. Kobus was not a great part of my life, but it’s nice to be able to say that I’m truly free of him, over him and I’ve moved on.

My time in Denmar also gave me new perspective on family: my parents are wonderful, truly wonderful, and I am so blessed to have them. They are the only two people on the planet who will ever love me so unconditionally, and even though I mess up royally, they’ll always be there to help, and guide me – even one day when I’m 90! That is something I truly came to value, and if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

So there you go, Taryn is no longer taking on Hong Kong, and that’s okay – everything works out the way it should

Lots of love kids x

1. Pretoria – I love this city. I’ve only lived here for 2 years but I’ve had both the best and worst experiences here. I wish I’d moved here sooner, because I’ve always been a Pretoria girl at heart. Nowhere else can you drink a double Klippies and Cola for R20, and nowhere else is there such a mix of people, and yeah, okay, nowhere else are there as many Blue Bulls fans. I’m even going to miss them!
2. My Mom & Dad – my parents have been my rock for nearly 25 years. They’re amazing. I’d be nothing without them. I hope to bring them out to visit as soon as I can.
3. My brother & sister – I’ve only really had a relationship with them for the last couple years. For those of you who don’t know, they’re kids from my Dad’s first marriage, but they’re as close to me (and I to them) as siblings who grew up together.
4. My baby sister, @mymanic_and_i (god, I wish you’d change that handle!) – I think I may kill her before the year is out for all the crap she’s getting up to in Grahamstown, but I love the kid to pieces, and she is definitely going to have to come visit me in Hong Kong!
5. Pretoria’s music scene – there is nothing like being able to drive 10min down the road on most nights of the week, to be able to see a gig. It may not always be a huge act, but you’d be surprised the gems you discover The boys from @VanSmithBand for instance, blew my mind at Grafters Tavern a couple weeks ago. I didn’t know they exist, but I had such a good time listening to them, or @ChristiaanKrit (please check out his awesome new Video while you’re wondering who he is.
6. @TuksFM1072 – I’m not entirely sure this one counts. I will be blessed in Hong Kong with city-wide Wifi for something ridiculous like R40/month, so I can listen to TuksFM whenever I want! (I should try convince them to change “Breakfast in Japan” to “Breakfast in Hong Kong” just for me )
7. Braaivleis en Branewyn – I admit that the whole braaing thing was wasted on me, until recently. I haven’t (again, until recently)  eaten a steak in 10 years, but once I made the decision to move, I realised that I’m going to struggle to find a good steak in Hong Kong, and climbed right in! I’m not the biggest Brandy drinker, I think in this instance, it’s just a case of our culture. Give me a Jack Daniels before you give me Klippies, thanks!
8. Kruger National Park – I’m a real bush-baby! I love how we can just drive a few minutes or a few hours and be out, in the bush, in nature. Nothing else beats that!
9. Afrikaans – “Praat afrikaans of hou jou bek”
10. The random stuff we say – South Africans have the most awesome way of speaking! I can’t wait to see the first look of “HUH?” when I say “now now” to someone! Check out Shit South Africans say via @RWRant if you don’t believe me
11. Condense milk tart, cremora tart, koeksisters – Saffas make the best desserts and the best sweets! I love our local noms!
12. SA Wine – that aussie stuff is okay, but it’s not as good as ours!
13. On that note – SA Beer! Nobody else in the world makes decent beer!
14. Our pub culture – sure, Hong Kong has Brits, Aussies and Kiwis, and they’re all big fans of pubs, but nothing beats a South African pub! Why? Because I say so!
15. Amazing friends  – specifically @whisperdscream, @tyronlsa, , @hennokruger , @baasdebeer , @swhams , @kierryng , and @justinleephotos. These tweeps have kept me going, kept me entertained, seen me drunk, seen me laugh (because they make me laugh), and listened to me rant, and whine! I love these guys to bits, and plan on shipping every single one of them out to visit me at one stage or another.
16. Open spaces – you think Joburg is busy? HA! We have more open space, and breathing space (as well as breathable air) than any of you can even begin to imagine! Best you be grateful!
17. Cheap cigarettes – a packet of Malboros is around R50 a packet. Guess I’m quitting.
18. Arguing about sports – I’m not sure I’m going to be able to argue with the Aussies about sports, I might kill them. I’d rather take on a Bulls supporter than a bloody Wallaby anyday.
19. Our amazing tourism sector – as excited as I am to travel the Far East, our country still has some of the most amazing sights to see, and it’s reasonably cheap and accessible.
20. SA Weather – Hong Kong is very much a maritime climate, with 80% humidity, and it never gets colder than about 15 during winter. That makes proper winter clothes mildly pointless! SA has gorgeous summers, mild winters (but not so mild that you may as well chuck out your boots) and it is just generally the most comfortable place to live!

All of that being said, I am looking forward to the move, I really am, and I hope to see you all in Hong Kong!

Much love kids!

Everyone who hears the news asks “Why Hong Kong?” and to be honest I do not know. I guess it came down to visas in the end, and where Flight Centre allowed me to move to. Oddly, it used to be a joke between a friend and I, and I often threw my hands in the air, and said “fuck this, I’m buggering off to Hong Kong” and while I was in Cape Town, I decided to go through with it.

I don’t know what made me decide to go through with it. I don’t know if it was just general frustration with life in SA, or in Pretoria, or my gypsy tendencies, or the desire to run away from someone who kept breaking my heart. I genuinely don’t know, but I’m glad I made the decision to do it. I don’t regret it for a second. Yes, I’m going to miss 5 of the most amazing friends I’ve ever had, who I love to the ends of the earth, but they’ll be there whether I’m in the next suburb or two continents over. Yes, I’m going to miss my folks, but there is Skype for a reason, and they’ll be able to call me whenever they want, or text and email (I’m going to have to get my mom an email account and a Smartphone!)

My friends have been the rock in my little ocean of terror the last couple weeks. They were there when I made the decision, there for me when I had my interviews and even there when I got the email with an offer of employment. My friends are also the only people on earth who could convince me to stay (not that they would). They’ve been amazing, and I love them dearly! I can’t begin to thank them enough, and it’s a kindness I will forever be grateful for. Tyron, HK, Princess, Baas and Tam, if you’re reading this, you guys have been amazing, and I love you to pieces.

“What about that guy you mentioned?” you ask? Well, let’s face it. I can’t base decisions on a maybe. He could ask me to stay, and part of me wishes he would, just so that I can know he truly cares, but I know he won’t risk the rejection. I love him, I do, but love isn’t enough. Love isn’t stability, or commitment, or anything that I would need to stay in SA. Maybe one day, maybe, but today, it’s not meant to be.

Am I running away? No. I’m not running away. I LOVE my life in SA, I love Pretoria. I love my job. I’m genuinely happy with life as it is right now. This isn’t running from, but running to. I spent 5 years with Kobus, and I wasted SO many opportunities to live and work overseas because I thought he was the One. I’m 24, I have no commitments, and right now, I feel that if I don’t do this, I’m going to regret it. I often say “Rather regret the things you’ve done, than the things you haven’t.

So where to from here? I’m busy waiting for my visa paperwork to be processed, and hopefully I can fly out in a couple weeks – flights are reserved for the 26th of April and my going away pencilled in for the the 20th of April. I’ve taken leave from the 20th to the 30th. Here’s holding thumbs that my visa is sorted out quickly!

Alright peeps, lots of love, and hopefully I can update you on my Hong Kong adventure soon!

I’ve lived in Pretoria on and off for nearly two years now, and I’ve never been to a concert/mini-festival. I know, you’re probably reading that sentence and your chin has just hit the desk. Don’t worry, I get it. I’m a bit of a freak. That being said, I can now say I’ve popped my “live music” cherry.

Early this year, while I was on holiday in the Cape (first holiday in 3 years, no wonder I felt like a granny!), I bought myself RAMFest tickets (and one for a friend who is a HUGE In Flames fan, and it’s his birthday at the end of Feb) and I bought myself and one of my (I realise this now) only female friends a ticket to Campus Invasion at Hatfield Square.  I didn’t quite put two and two together that “Campus Invasion” is also over Rag weekend. In hindsight, this was not smart of me – but hey! I’m not required to be smart all the time, sometimes I am allowed to be a pretty face!

After watching Liverpool lose to Man U (yes, they got their revenge for the FA Cup match the previous week), as stoked as I was for Campus Invasion, all I really wanted to do was drown my sorrows. I quickly realised how hot it was, and how busy the Square was, and put that idea on the backburner. After hooking up with @hennokruger and @baasdebeer, my friends @kierrynG, Sarah, Trevor and I ran around the Square drinking in the sights and sounds, before heading off to Aandklas for a much deserved beer! After running into a few people I knew there, we basically just decided to hang around and wait for KONGOS to start. A quick mission to the main stage later, and a few chance encounters with friends later, I found myself quite happily lying on the ground, head in @baasdebeer’s lap, waiting for things to happen. A short trip to our awesome VIP box (read: Sandwich Baron right next to the stage, where they put a fan out for us) and the show began. One of the things which impressed me the most was that KONGOS (as well as EVERY other band that night) not only sound the same as their albums (not like every overseas band who are so autotuned their music bear no resemblance to their actual voices), they actually rocked harder! I loved KONGOS, it was nice to see a band live, and know all the words. I can’t say the same for Van Coke Kartel or Bittereinde (actually, I take my hat off to the guys in the crowd who kept up with Bittereinder! They are so loud, and rap so quickly I could barely understand let alone sing along!). Die Heuwels Fantasties were also exceptional! It’s actually very difficult to pick an act who impressed me the most!

KONGOS were good, but I was disappointed, but I may have hyped them in my head! I found that I wasn’t driven to get up and dance, or sing along (except to You Must Be Joking) or run out and jam with the rest of the crowd. I do think that for me, personally, they are more of a studio band, and not so much a live act. I came home from work this afternoon, hopped onto Soundcloud and listened to them again. I didn’t find I loved them any less, but I did find that I definitely enjoyed sitting behind my laptop bopping my head to the song more than I enjoyed their live show.

Bittereinder was fantastic. I’ve been a Yesterday’s Pupil fan for some time, and seeing the guys live and getting to see Peach in action was quite cool. The energy onstage was electric, the sound quite fresh, and Jaco blew my mind! I thought I spoke fast, but I doubt even if I knew all the words to their songs, that I could keep up! I was a bit let down that they didn’t do “Slechte Mensen” or “Tale of Three Cities”, but it’s understandable – the songs are collabs, and they performed alone. I’m completely fluent in Afrikaans, but even I struggled to keep up with what was being rapped. It takes skill to keep up that tempo and rap in a language that isn’t always the most soft and fluid, and for that I commend them.

Next up was Die Heuwels Fantasties. Of all the bands, these guys I’ve known about and listened to the longest. Pierre was such fun to watch perform, he didn’t stand still for a moment, and they played all the favourites. Again, generally a band I like to listen to when I’m sitting at my desk working, but I really enjoyed their live performance. I found myself bopping around to the beat, and humming along. They finally caught my attention with “Pille vir Kersfees” to which I sang along with everyone else, danced around like a teenager and generally went a bit crazy. It’s cliché, but it is my favourite Heuwels song, so that was an AWESOME way to end off a set!

Van Coke Kartel was up next, and even though I’ve heard a few tracks on MK, and I’ve always enjoyed their music, I wouldn’t call myself a knowledgeable fan. I knew a few of the choruses, but I wasn’t quite on the level with the rest of the crowd that I could sing along to every single song. That being said, their performance was amazing, Francois and Jedd both seemed to channel Angus Young on stage – they would not stand still! Francois even went so far as to do a bit of crowd surfing! My favourite track on their set list that night was easily “Dis ‘n Land”.

Who was my favourite, you ask? It’s tough, but I think that Bittereinder impressed me the most. They are still reasonably new (especially compared to Francois van Coke who has been on the scene for well over 6years).

That all being said, it was a fantastic experience! Not only was it a fantastic night spent with friends, but I had the most fantastic time enjoying the live music, and being exposed to some of the most talented musicians in our fair RSA! I was blown away by the stage presences of the bands, and the fact that our SA bands are truly talented, and not the product of a computer and a really good producer! In fact, now that I’ve been listening to the CDs I have of the bands who played, I actually think (save KONGOS) all the bands were better on stage than on their albums. This absolutely blew me away, as I am quite used to hearing a CD, loving it, and then seeing a live show (normally on VH1 or MTv or the like) and being disappointed by the fact that this person who I love can not sing! That was not the case on Saturday, as all the bands could not only play their instruments, and play them well, but they could sing, and perform.

In short, I think I will definitely be spending a lot more time at gigs, and in clubs. Hopefully, the next time I go to a concert, we won’t get kicked out of the pub because the cops are raiding the area!

Peace out kiddies! Until next time!

Gym Class Heroes: “My heart’s a stereo; it beats for you so listen close”.

It all started as a harmless flirtation via DM, a hook up on New Years and … well, here we are, a month later, and you seem to have bought real estate in my mind.

You screw with my mind. Over and over again. Try as I might I can’t stop it. What you said to me on New Years got under my skin, the words took on corporeal form and dug their claws into my skin, worked their way up my arms, and straight into my heart where they’ve taken up permanent residence. You told me to ignore it, that you were drunk, yet your words stay.

You know how I feel, and you know who I am. You know how scared I am and you know how I obsess, yet you do it anyway. I should be held accountable too – I let you do it. I could tell you to stop, but frankly I like the attention. I’m a big girl, I can admit that. Secretly I hope that you’ll come to your senses and you’ll realise that I’m sitting there, waiting for you to stop being as scared as I am, and to realise that maybe you do have feelings for me, and you would like to give “us” a try.

You woke me up on Sunday morning. You drunk dialled me at 6am. Now THAT screwed with my head. I ran the conversation over in my head, reread the whatsapp messages, and can’t get the sound of your voice out of my head. You made my heart soar and sink all at the same time, because a small part of me realised what I am to you – even though you’ve assured me I’m not. I realised that I’m going to be a conquest, you’re going to “love and leave me”, and I’m not sure I can deal with that. I expressed this concern, and you told me I will never be that girl. How do you know? How can you know? The words you spoke hit me in the deepest part of my soul, and I began to think about the walls you’ve built up around yourself, and how hard I would have to work to break those down. I don’t want to wait until you’re drunk for you to trust me or for you to speak to me, I don’t want to have to work so hard to be a part of your life. Don’t misunderstand me, we speak every day, you make me laugh, we share something very personal to both of us, but I don’t know. I feel like we share these little moments and then spend days treading on eggshells around each other, trying to escape the obvious.

It’s childish. We’re not in high school. I wish this would just stop.

I wish that we could play open cards with each other. I wish we could both just be honest.

It happened very differently from what I expected. There was no fight, or bang. It’s as though we’ve fallen off each other’s radars. The realization came when I tried to tell you about my promotion and 10 days later and don’t think you’ve responded, let alone congratulate me. Part of me is happy because part of me is free of the self-pitying and self-doubts that came with your friendship and the feeling of inferiority that came with comparing myself to you. Part of me is glad; part of me has never felt good enough next to you because I don’t have a cool boyfriend or a cool job and I’m not as tall and skinny or as pretty. Frankly I’m so glad to be over that.

The other part of me grieves for us. 10 years is a long time, and to be thrown away so trivially, seems to be a slap in the face.

I grieve for the loss for the loss of my best friend … but at the same time I don’t.

Maybe soon, I’ll be able to really convey the way I feel. One day.

I’ve always been cynical, but this last week, I’ve discovered just how much, and just how bad it’s become. If you have ever watched Practical Magic (that cheesy 90s chick flick with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman) you will recall a little Sally Owens casting a true love spell – not to find love, but to ensure she never gets hurt the way her mom did (who died of a broken heart at the tragic passing of her husband as per the family curse). When that movie came out, and when I watched it recently (recent being somewhere between 2006 and 2010) I thought she was stupid – who wouldn’t want the magic of falling in love? Now I know exactly why she did it. Would you like to know why? Here we go: love is a myth. Love doesn’t exist. Not that kind of love anyway. There is no such thing as true love. Yes, you love your parents, parents love their kids, but I no longer believe in true love. That reason is why I made myself a promise earlier this week. It was a simple promise, but a promise I will forever keep: I will never feel the pain of falling in love ever again.

That leads me to my next point: I will never marry, I will never have kids. I say this for two reasons: one being the above, and the other being that I do not believe in marriage. If it should happen that I break my first rule, and end up in a long-term, committed, faithful (okay, here I go again, believing in fairytales! Nobody commits, nobody stays faithful! It’s all a Goddamn fallacy invented by greeting card companies and Shakespeare). Cynicism aside, I have an excellent reason (or three) to not want to be married. Firstly, I don’t want to be tied down to someone too much; if I smell a rat, I want to be able to run far, and fast. Second, I don’t believe in any particular religion, so the religious part of a marriage is just a waste of my time. Thirdly, legally speaking, I don’t feel like I need more than a few contracts to protect myself and my assets to be with someone. I also strongly object to having to have a piece of paper to consider myself with someone, and for me to know I am going to spend and make my life with someone. I think it’s the anarchist in me who totally objects to the idea of being told I’m something – in this case “and I pronounce you man and wife”. Don’t misunderstand me, there will be legal protection in the form of division of assets contracts etc (I’m not a lawyer, I don’t know all the lingo), and should there come a child from this long-term union (unlikely, I’ve spent way too much time trying to avoid having a period, I’ve messed up my chances of ever having a fertile uterus ever again, so we can safely say that should never happen), that child will be legally protected. Oh, and the surname, let’s not forget the scandals caused by surnames of children born out of wedlock. If that so happens, that child will have both our surnames, and when we decide he is old enough to choose, he can. He can take mine, or his father’s. I however, will always be a Tibble. I will honour the only man in the world I can trust, and I will forever be a Tibble. My name will die with me, but I will never change it. I have spent 24 years as a Tibble, that’s not going to change. I will not dishonour the only 2 people in the world I can 100% trust by giving that up.

This has also taught me a little something about trust: I trust too much, and too easily. It has taught me to remove trust from all situations, treat everyone as though they are not worthy of trust, and if they by some miracle earn some form of trust from me, it will be fragile, or it will given on a day-to-day basis. In fact, I just think that I won’t be trusting at all any time soon. The people I thought I could trust: all liars. I’ve found comfort in strange things and strange places, but for the most part, nobody is worth opening yourself up to, and having them drive a knife through your heart. Not now, not ever. The people who were supposed to be on my side? Those ones? Yeah, not so much. I guess that’s my mistake, my fault for trusting people. Never again.

All I know is, I will never love again, I will never trust. Not today, not ever. Oh, and don’t come with that “when you meet the right man it will all change crap”. It won’t, because I have no intention of meeting the right man, I have no intention of forming that bond with anyone, ever ever again. I’d rather die alone, with my cats, than with a broken heart. Well … I guess that’s me. I’ve actually run out of angry things to say, and to write. It doesn’t mean I’m not angry anymore. Fuck knows I am, but I just can’t anymore. I just want to put these feelings in a box, shut it, tape it closed, possibly encase it in a ton of concrete and drop it down the Marina’s Trench. That should keep me going.